Spiritual Autobiography
“And you were dead in the trespasses and
sins in which you once walked, following the course of this world, following
the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that is now at work in the sons
of disobedience—among whom we all once lived in the passions of our flesh,
carrying out the desires of the body and the mind, and were by nature children
of wrath, like the rest of mankind. But God, being rich in mercy, because of the
great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses,
made us alive together with Christ—by grace you have been saved—and raised us
up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so
that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in
kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. For by grace you have been saved through
faith. And this is not your own doing; it is a gift of God, not a result of
works, so that no one may boast. For we are his workmanship, created in Christ
Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in
them.” Ephesians 2:1-10
This
passage is arguably one of the most important passages in all of scripture, and
it happens to be one of my favorites as well. I think one reason I enjoy this
passage so much is because of its precision in outlining my own spiritual
biography. In fact, I would assert that this text is an accurate description of
every Christian’s conversion. It clearly depicts three key elements: The
natural state of man, God’s glory displayed through His divine attributes and
saving works, and the supernatural effects of His divine orchestration. It is
important that none of these elements be left out in a conversion account
because it would jeopardize proclaiming the gospel in the fullness of its glory.
And because I am so strongly convinced of this, I’m going to use Ephesians 2 as
my own outline.
Using
this passage will help the reader and myself in several ways. One, it will
enable me to be vigilant in accurately articulating the work of God. Salvation
in the life of a believer is a wonderful truth. It is indeed the most wonderful
truth in all of creation. The magnificent doctrine of salvation is beyond doubt
all about the work of God demonstrating the glory of God. That is precisely why
Christians ought to think about, talk about, and preach the gospel so carefully
and clearly. Secondly, this outline will help me organize my thoughts according
to Holy Scripture. I’ve found over time in my walking with the Lord that my
thoughts are of little worth if they are not directed by the Lord’s divine
thoughts and words. His ways are higher than my ways, and I am in need of His
grace and direction moment by moment, even when speaking about Him and His
working in my life. Thirdly, although I do believe spiritual autobiographies
and testimonies are wonderful things, God’s Word is sharper than any two edged
sword. My words might be able to stir up positive or negative emotions in an
individual, but God’s Word is able to pierce to the division of soul and of
spirit, of joint and marrow, and discerns the thoughts and intentions of the
heart. (Heb. 4:12) That’s something I am unable to do no matter how hard I try.
Therefore let us begin to peak into the work of God in my life through the lens
of scripture for the reason of encouraging your worship to the Lord.
How Dead is Dead?
“And you were dead in the trespasses and
sins in which you once walked following the course of this world, following the
prince of the power of the air, the spirit that is now at work in the sons of
disobedience—among whom we all once lived in the passions of our flesh,
carrying out the desires of the body and the mind, and were by nature children
of wrath, like the rest of mankind.”
It
is a difficult thing to imagine myself once as dead. To most people, that seems
to be a bit drastic—perhaps over dramatic. That however, is the picture that
God’s Word paints of the natural human condition. In fact, it goes on to say in
other places, that I was a “child of the devil” (John 8), spiritually deaf to the word of God (John
5), spiritually blind (John 3) to His kingdom, ….not being able to do anything
which would be pleasing to God. (Isaiah 64:6) Moreover it says in Romans that
“There is no one righteous, not even one; there is no one who understands, no
one who seeks God. All have turned away, they have together become worthless;
there is no one who does good, not even one.” And elsewhere, “For all have
sinned and fallen short of the glory of God.” And if I’m truly honest with
myself, these verses applied directly to me. I was not sick, I was not injured,
I was not disabled, I was not in a spiritual sleep. I was dead, and I stunk
like a corpse. And lying in that spiritual grave is where my story begins.
I
grew up in Graham, Texas, a small town ninety miles west of Fort Worth. Now I’m
not an expert geographer, but I think you could rightly say that the town of
Graham is the buckle of the Bible belt, and that culture certainly had its
influences on my life. I grew up in church, and early on I did most of my
chores, made good grades, didn’t listen to rap or hard rock, didn’t drink,
smoke, or chew and didn’t date girls who do. I had it all together, or so I
thought. I even prayed to ask Jesus into my heart when I was six! (That might
be equivalent to Paul’s circumcision on the eighth day.) However, there was no
convincing sign of genuine conversion, just a boy who paid lip service to Jesus
but gave no devotion to Him whatsoever. I knew Jesus was a pretty important guy
from church, and He was pretty serious because He died on a tree, and because
He died I needed to do a lot more “good stuff” so I could be a better person. I
thought Christianity was in essence, “Jesus died so I could work my way to
heaven, and as long as I believed in Him then my working would work better.”
Therefore I hosted Bible studies with my friends so I could improve and earn my
approval with God and others, I volunteered to pray a lot in my youth group,
but I neglected to pray in private. I memorized verses and said them proudly when
I was called on, but never applied Scripture to my life. I kept a Bible on my
bedside table so people could see it, but I hardly ever read it. In essence, I
valued the public display of religion but neglected private devotion to God. I
was a self-aware, self-righteous, self-centered, self-seeking, “Christian.” I
was a slave to self. As “good” as I looked on the outside, there were only dead
bones on the inside. I was the self-righteous Pharisee that Jesus constantly
condemned. I abused God’s precious gifts for my own gain and own glory rather
than looking to the only perfect righteousness of Jesus Christ and finding my
glory in Him. God’s Word had no
conviction in my life. I knew I needed to do better, but I thought my doing
better would be good enough. Looking back I’m not sure if my lack of understanding
was a result of sitting under poor teaching or a result of my spiritual deadness.
Perhaps it was a combination of both. But these selfish acts camouflaged by
noble things would prove to be illegitimate as my life progressed.
When
high school rolled around, I was the guy who tried to get along with everybody.
My self-image was an idol early on, but athletics and women were soon thrown
into the mix. I played golf like it was my job. I worshipped golf. I ate,
drank, slept, and breathed golf. Self was still the object of my affection; it
just had a different look. I played tournament after tournament, round after
round, sharpening my skills so that I could play professionally. But once
again, I chose to put my eggs in the wrong basket, and that basket proved to
have its deficiencies. Sure golf provided some momentary satisfaction when all
my putts were dropping and I had a shiny trophy in hand, but that was hardly
ever the case. And because I made golf lord of my life, I was miserable. When
golf was my lord, its satisfaction was never sweet enough. When golf was my
lord, the good days were fine, but the bad days were awful and full of
self-pity. There was no true security. Any moment something could happen that
could strip me of my joy. Every second was a fight for approval, affection, and
affirmation through hitting a white ball around a field.
I
mentioned girls earlier as well. This was also another form of my self-worship.
When I got into high school, things started to change. Girls were no longer
icky and gross. They all of the sudden were very attractive. Their physical
features had mysteriously changed, and those new features drew my attention. Instead
of wanting to run away from them, I wanted to run toward them so I could ask
them their name and help carry their books to class. But helping girls carry
their books was not really my problem. My problem was that I wanted to use
girls. I wanted girls to like me back so I could feel good about myself. I did
everything to get the affirmation and approval from women that I actually
needed from God. It made me feel good when they laughed at my jokes, when I
held hands with them, or even kissed them. I was all about it. I was all about
me. And once again, I turned to worship created things rather than the Creator
Himself.
In
the end, these false idols proved to fail me. The idol I made of women failed
me when my girlfriend of two years, whom I professed my undying love, gave me
the Heisman and found a much stronger, more athletic, better looking guy than
myself. The idol I made of golf failed me literally every week. I never played
a perfect round. I was never as good as I wanted to be. And even if I was the
best, there was always someone nipping at my heels about to take the spotlight.
And the chief idol of “self” never seemed to be satisfied. No matter how much I
served my fleshly desires, it left me empty in the end.
The
picture that often fills my mind when I think back on my desperation is that of
the prodigal son. I had, like him, sold my birthright, wasted every part of my
life and squandered every blessing God had given me. I traded away His goodness
in exchange for a short-moment of self-gratification. I was starving and
longing to fill my stomach with anything—even the husks in a pig trough.
Although I knew of God, I did not honor him as God nor gave thanks to him. I
was futile in my thinking, and my foolish heart was darkened. Thinking myself
to be wise, I was foolish and exchanged the glory of God for created things.
(Romans 1:21-23)
GRACE IMMEASURABLE
“But God, being rich in
mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead
in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ—by grace you have been
saved—and raised us up with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that
in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in
kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. For by grace you have been saved through
faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works,
so that no one may boast.”
The
salvation that God has grants His children in Christ can be described in many
ways. Glorious, kind, merciful, just, gracious, powerful, miraculous… these are
just a few words that come to mind. However I’m constantly drawn back to the
word “mysterious.” Because if I sit long enough and reflect on the truths of
salvation, I’m brought immediately to the question of “why?” Why did God choose
me to be the object of His mercy? Why am I spared of the wrath that I deserve?
And as I look for a motive within me for the answer to “why me?” all I discover
is my sinfulness and helplessness. And as I contemplate His holiness I become
more aware of my sinfulness. Therefore I’m convinced that there is no reason
within me that I was chosen to be a child of God. My salvation can only be
accredited to the depths of God’s love that He made known through Jesus Christ
before I was ever alive. This is the very foundation on which my joy is built.
Just
as Edward Mote famously wrote, “My hope is built on nothing less, than Jesus
blood and righteousness. I dare not trust the sweetest frame, but wholly lean
on Jesus name”… not my feelings, not my insufficient repentance, not my brittle
faith, not my inconsistent joy, nor my wavering hold of Jesus. None of these
are adequate to give me peace or seal my pardon. All of these thoughts are of myself,
and I know that I will never find comfort or assurance by looking within. But
instead, the Holy Spirit has turned my eyes from self to Jesus. I’m reassured
it is not my hold of Christ that saves me—it is Christ. It is not my joy in Christ
that saves me—it is Christ! It is not even faith in Christ that saves, though
that is the instrument; it is Christ’s blood and merits. The Spirit reminds me not
to look so much to the hand to which I cling to Christ, but to Christ. Don’t
look to my hope, but to Jesus, the very source of my hope. Do not look to my
faith, but look to Jesus, the author and perfecter of my faith. It is what
Jesus is, not who I am that gives rest to my soul.
So
as I continued to run in the opposite direction from God, God continued to
relentlessly pursue me by His grace. And just as God’s grace won in the prophet
Jonah’s life, so His grace also won in my life, and is continuing to win. The
same God that won the hearts of pagan sailors from the captain on down, the
sovereign God who appointed a great storm to confront Jonah and a great fish to
swallow Jonah and save him from his disobedience, The God who employed a plant
to serve as a lesson to soften Jonah’s heart, the Almighty God who changed the
hearts of the lost city of Nineveh from the king on down, that same God was
even able to pierce my heart of stone and give me a new heart of flesh.
I
honestly don’t have a moment in my life where I can look back and say, “that’s
when I was converted.” I never had a dramatic or climactic turning point
experience. What I do see when I look back, however, is a stubborn sinner whose
heart was slowly but surely softened by hearing God’s Word. I look back and see
God’s daily patience with me as I heard His Word yet neglected to apply it to
my life. I see God’s mercy with me as I heard that my sin earned me death but
still foolishly forsook His loving hand. I see God’s grace with me as he
softened my heart of stone, and transformed it to a heart of flesh that was
sensitive to His commands by the power of His Holy Spirit. And He is continuing
that transformative work today!
FREED TO OBEDIENCE
“For we are his workmanship,
created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we
should walk in them.”
Salvation
in Jesus Christ not only frees believers from the penalty of sin, but it frees
them from the power of sin. If you leave out the latter, and emphasize only the
former, you have a grace that leaves you in your sin and only gives
licentiousness of reckless living. If you leave out freedom from the penalty of
sin, and emphasize only freedom from the power of sin, you’re likewise given a
deficient gospel that is works-based in nature. However, if we grasp hold of
both these truths, the life, death, and resurrection of Christ is put in its
proper place as the center of the gospel. Through His life and death He gave
justification (Freedom from the penalty of sin), and through His resurrection He
gives us the power to conquer sin exacted through the Holy Spirit. If Christ is
only Savior and not Lord, you will miss the point. You will miss salvation. Salvation
is about getting a new Boss. We are saved to good works. I am saved for good
works.
Though
I fall short of God’s demands daily, and though I am far from being the man I
ought to be, by God’s amazing grace I am not the man I once was. I look back
every year and recount the Lord’s evident grace by the gradual heart change He
brings in my sanctification. I am now a man living a new life. I’ve been given
a rebirth by faith in Christ, and am now a bondservant to the Lord and Savior.
Sure I continue to fall. Sure I mess up often. But that’s what the cross of
Christ is all about. It is a reminder of all of our failure to meet God’s
perfect standard, yet a mighty picture of His love in spite of us, and just how
far He is willing to go in order to save His children. Therefore I am not my
own. I was bought with a price—the precious blood of the Lamb. Jesus is my
righteousness, and will be forevermore. For He is mighty to save, even a sinner
such as myself.
